Impostor Alert!

OK, in addition to the kerpuffle of getting my partner home from the hospital today, my laptop decided to give me the Grey Screen of Death, so I am reporting to you from her G4 iBook while the G5 is at the local Mac ICU. We are all doing okay although my last nerve is certainly getting frayed with all this activity and the prospect of keeping the two of us--actually, the SEVEN of us if you count dog and cats--afloat with my partner's right arm in an immobilizer, which eliminates her from the dishwashing, pet feeding and laundry responsibilities she usually fills so admirably. 

I've given the situation serious thought and come to the conclusion that this is not our life we're leading, but some other couple's annoying and probably richly deserved existence. Obviously aliens switched our lives with those of the impostor couple, so I want you all to be on the lookout for people answering the following description:

The suspects at large are two women, aged forty to sixty but who look much younger. They are known to live in rural California but are also believed to have homes in New York's Upper West Side, London's Mayfair, and the Marais district in Paris. Our sources inform us these urban pieds-a-terre feature fourteen-foot ceilings and Art Deco furnishings, but the Mayfair address may also contain Ming dynasty chairs and an important collection of ethnographic art. The women travel from their rural lair to these well-appointed residences via private jet, and while in New York they are driven in a discreet black Mercedes sedan by a chauffeur who wears dark glasses and a mysterious earpiece.

The suspects are fit, slender, disease-free and extremely well-dressed. The Chinese woman, in particular, is usually dressed in Armani and vintage Yves Saint Laurent. She never abandoned the sculpted eyebrow/red lipstick look Paloma Picasso carried off so effectively in the early 1980s. The Caucasian woman favors Ralph Lauren and Calvin Klein, which she wears with vintage tuxedo vests and Cartier tank watches.

Wherever they go, the suspects travel with a menagerie of extremely well-behaved pets, including four cats with unimpeachable toileting habits and a goofy-looking black-and-white mutt dog who always comes when called. While in New York, they have been seen with two purebred Pekingese dogs named Lionel and Alistair. 

These women are elusive because they have staff. They have an accountant who pays all their bills, and a maid, housekeeper, personal trainer, and chef at each residence. (The New York staff take care of Lionel and Alistair during the women's absences.) The housekeepers are old-school cleaners who move the furniture to vacuum up dustbunnies and dust the lintels of window frames. The chefs prepare delicious spa fare from seasonal, organic and locally-grown ingredients. Every afternoon they serve proper English tea in the tidy, impeccably decorated parlors overlooking upscale neighborhoods. Of course, all of these staff members are honest, discreet, and contractually bound by confidentiality agreements.

The Chinese woman is a noted author and authority on rural eccentricities in medicine. The Caucasian woman is a poet and acclaimed songwriter. They are both well-read, witty, charming, and even-tempered. They are highly sought-after as dinner guests; Charles Dickens, Oscar Wilde, Dorothy Parker, Truman Capote, and Ludwig van Beethoven together in the same room could not equal their sparkling dialogue.

To conclude, the suspects are well-traveled, independently wealthy, chic, popular, expert in their fields, and totally unencumbered by any of the trials and tribulations of real life. I suspect them of hijacking my real life and that of my partner, so if you meet anyone meeting this description, please leave a comment on this post. Reward: One conked-out MacBook.

Comments

[M.Tartag]

I have not seen them. But the post is fabulously witty and stylish!

[Gillian Chan]

We'll keep an eye out for them in Paris, Theresa. We will head for the Marais at some time this week. They have not been strolling the Bou'mich.

On a more serious note, I hope that things start to go a little more smoothly for you soon.

Theo says he can sympathise with the grey screen of death, as he killed his laptop the day before we left for Paris. This is being typed in an internet cafe.

We will try and call on Christmas Day.

[Coleen Wheeler]

LMAO.....You have such a wonderful way with words and such a great sense of humor despite all that is happening. My thoughts and prayers are with you both. I am thinking about starting a blog in the new year (I am an FP who has experienced quite a few of my own health probs over the last few years, so I have that perspective)....I hope I can be half as engaging as you are~!

[Vijay]

They won't escape my eagle eyes if they show up here in India. And, I'll take that conked out MacBook. I know a few broken-Mac-repairing-magicians here :)

[DrCris]

I haven't seen them, but I will keep my eyes out, They must be around somewhere!

[symtym]

If found, is there a return deposit?