I spent most of the last 48 hours lying around my house in a goopy puddle of depression. Not clinical depression, just everyday "what's the point?" anhedonia. Here's a few reasons why:
- In six days of hospitalist rounds, I transitioned three patients to comfort care. This is a personal record, although not one in which I'm particularly proud.
- Seven months after Xpress Hospitalists took over our program, we are still as short-staffed as we were when we ran the program ourselves.
- Daylight Savings Time began weeks ago, lettuce starts are for sale at the co-op, and yet my garden is completely overgrown from the garden I tried to launch in 2007, so things are not looking good for a fruitful garden this summer.
- I've been out of the OB call pool for so long, due to Noo's illness, that I find myself terrified at the prospect of going back. I've never been afraid to be on call before, so this feels like a set-back.
- Rural is going through a particularly nasty cycle of infighting in the medical community. These skirmishes happen all over the country, but now that I've been here for almost five years, I find them more and more disheartening.
- Like all my fellow citizens, I'm worried about the economy. My retirement accounts are down by 50%, and although I'm grateful to be continuously employed, I feel trapped by the need remain so.
- Gimbels--the back-to-the-wall community hospital where I do my work--seems to be sinking further into economic difficulty. The mood of the staff is grim, and I'm increasingly hampered by lack of services.