Milestone 5: A Preview of Great Things to Come

Now that Noo is solidly on the path to melanoma wellness, I find myself with more time for my annual midlife crisis. The past several years, around the time of my birthday, I find myself succumbing to a certain disillusionment and generalized ennui. I do a lot of ass-dragging and complaining, find fault with my colleagues, bemoan the decline and fall of human civilization, read too many books and articles about crime/financial collapse/political instability/ovarian failure, and generally take stock of the daily tedium of Real Life:

To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. 

--Macbeth, Act 5, Scene 5

Ah, I hear you saying: Theresa has succumbed to Too Much Shakespeare, and of course you are right. As I've said before, I'm prone to finding literary allusions in the most mundane events, and yet I think there is a certain chicken-and-egg fallacy in assigning all the blame to poor old Will Shakespeare. Did he inject this melancholy into my state of mind, or did he forsee--in that penetrating, universal insight of his--what we will all suffer from after a few decades of life's minor triumphs and daily disappointments: the self-amused moment of horror when we look at ourselves in the bathroom mirror and think, is this it?

I am inclined to notice the ruins in things

--Arthur Miller, A View From the Bridge, Act I

But I'm not the kind of woman who is easily defeated. They don't call me the Outraged Chinese Empress for nothing. Uh-uh. Because I'm not one of the platitudinous masses, I can't find refuge in a secondhand copy of Chicken Soup for the Rural Doctor's Soul, so I must invent my own solutions.

Being the introspective type, whenever the Midlife Ennui afflicts me, I scuttle back to my journals and conduct what might loftily be called a Life Inventory, a look back upon where I've been, mistakes made, lessons learned, an honest summing-up of creditworthy accomplishments against debits of undermined confidence, opportunities missed, unspoken apologies, friendships let lapse. Then a looking-forward, to where I might go next.

The Life Inventory takes on a special significance this year, because in June I will have been a Real Doctor--post-residency--for five years. The fact astonishes me. Not a week goes by that I don't find myself worrying that Dr. Santell is going to walk around the corner and find fault with my work. This is more wishful thinking, of course--anything to bring the Old Man back to life, if only in my imagination--but it also reflects the life-flashing-before-my-eyes speed of life in medicine. I am not a brand-new doctor anymore, but every day it feels like I just got started on the job.

It might be interesting to share the results of the Inventory on the blog, at least as they illuminate the developmental arc of a (not-so) young doctor's career. So look for more installments of Milestone 5. I promise they won't always contain snips from the Bard.

Comments

[PookieMD]

I personally never get over wondering if I am a "real doctor"--and I'm 14 years out of residency! What is scary is how specialized I have become. I know a lot about a little. What is even scarier is that I forget more than I remember! (Sigh.) Glad the melanoma campaign is going okay!

[emmy]

Glad to hear that Noo is doing well. Happy Birthday in advance. It will be soon that you and Noo will be looking back and celebrating five years of survival. Today is my five year survivor date.