Silence. Listen.

Noo and I had to put our cat to sleep ten days ago, a very bad day indeed. I was starting a week at Nordstrom and had to drive back and forth from work to home three times that day, and it's hard to drive on rural highways when you're crying.

I've been quiet on the blog because I've been listening to myself. I realized that I've been putting solutions together for years which look good on paper but truly suck in practice. Flashing my middle finger at Gimbels and working at Nordstrom (a good job, btw, but...) seemed so reasonable at the time, but I hate being away from my home for a week at a time, and I hated missing my cat's final moments because I was on my way from 60 miles north. Not that working at Gimbels that day would have been a walk in the park, but I would have been there and I would have been able to hold her one last time. Thank goodness Noo was there. We raised this cat from a 4-week old kitten and she was like the warm pulse of our household. I don't expect everyone to understand this sentiment, but cat people will, and I honestly don't give a shit about any opposing opinions.

"Being there" is an emerging theme in my current reflections about doctoring, early middle age, the creative life, and What Comes Next. I'm going to try to get some of these reflections onto the blog but only episodically. I need to be quiet. I need to listen.

Comments

[Leslie]

I'm sorry about your kitty - been in that place and it's miserable. I hope life starts feeling less challenging soon for you - you've had more than your share of really hard stuff for quite a while.

[Chrys]

I'm sorry to read about your loss. They are family members. I hope things improve for you as time goes on.

[rlbates]

So very sorry for your loss. Been there with several dog friends over the years. Will be here if/when you need me.

[Lisa]

Oh, I completely understand the loss of a cat. My children and I had to put one of our cats to sleep the same year their dad left us. It always seems to happen at a time when you really need their furry comfort. I am so sorry for you both. I hope you find your silence productive and full of warmth and wisdom.

[family doc]

My condolences on your kitty. You've been thru some real challenges this year and a lot of us are cheering you on.

I would really encourage you to share your reflections on your blog as you listen and try to sort things out for yourself. Many of us have become captivated by your writing (and following your life closely) and we miss your frequent writings. You are often able to articulate things that are unspoken (especially in the doctoring world), and as a doctor, I've appreciated your reflections a lot.

[FuyuAsha]

Sorry for your loss - that kitty knew how much you loved it, quite certainly.

I was patting our 16 year old just now, wondering how the final days were going to be but enjoying at least for tonight the simple pleasure of connecting w/ such a creature of mystery.

[medrecgal]

So sorry to hear about your kitty...it's a heartbreaker when you lose a feline friend. I lost one to cancer a few years back and it was truly awful, even for our other cat, who wandered around wondering where her friend had gone.

But the value in the companionship of animals is great; perhaps in the future another will find its way into your heart. I have two spoiled ones that I often find to be better friends than most people.

[Chris]

I've never had a cat, but I know well how miserable it is to part with a pet. I feel for you.

[Liana]

I'm so sorry for you.

Be kind to yourself.

Hugs.

[online tv]

Hello Friend,
I feel sorry about the sad demise of your kitty.May her sole rest in peace....and God give you the strength and wisdom to bare the pain of departing from your kitty.
All my prayers are with both of you.

[Caroline (SpeakHealth.org)]

I am also sorry about your cat. I'm a cat person, and stories like yours hit me hard! I was in college, studying abroad when the family cat, Frisky, had to be put down. He and I grew up together, he lived to be 19. I was so sorry not to be with him, and I think I understand how suddenly "being there" means a lot on a broader scale after going through something like that.

Right now I'm in my 20s, I'm a freelancer, and 'being there' is usually a matter of knowing what I want. thats not so easy b/c what I want changes week to week. Listening to myself is like listening to a schizophrenic.

~c