No, This Blog is NOT Dead

It may have been a while, but I think I'm back in the swing of things. Thank you to all the kind people who reached out to me via email and comments. To put everyone's mind at rest, let me say first that everything is going well with Noo's health and reassure you all that my recent silence was not the result of yet another disaster in my personal or professional life. The usual daily mini-crises continue apace--a tree knocked down into my driveway, an infestation of ants in the pantry, five piles of delinquent charts waiting for me at Macys--but these minor annoyances are a welcome distraction compared to the complete upheaval I experienced last July, when Noo was so desperately ill and I bowed out from a job which I both loved and hated at Gimbels--all in the same week.

Looking back, it is clear to me I suffered an emotional tailspin during the second half of 2009. Not that anyone really noticed, because I was the most plausible-looking crazy person in Rural County during that time. I showed up to work on time, did a damn good job, smiled at everyone's jokes, maintained my reputation for good-old-girl collaboration at my new jobs--but inside I suffered from a nihilistic creative frenzy. I've done this before:  thrown myself headlong into multiple reading projects, creative endeavors, and aimless accumulation of things (I have a few dozen collections in my life, including books, ethnographic art, tacky vintage brass wall-hangings, and a category of memorobilia I refer to by the politically-incorrect term "Chinxploitation"--stereotypical representations of Chinese people as coolies, opium-smokers, elaborately-coiffed Mandarins, etc.)  I tend to succumb to these frenzies during times of emotional uncertainty, as if there is a greedy, wild, unsatisfied creature which takes over my self-control and proceeds to devour every fleeting distraction without plan or reference to any of my real needs.

Fortunately, this frenzy didn't last as long as it has in the past. Yes, I acquired a couple of bookshelves worth of reference material, several pieces of ethnographic art, a pile of prints from 20x200 which have yet to be framed, a bagful of toy cameras, and more brass Art Brut owls I know what to do with, but I also managed to wrestle the beast back into its lair without disrupting my household too much, although there might be some protests once I get those owls hung on the wall.

The good thing about these frenzies is that I usually emerge from them with a bit more insight into my turbulent emotional substrate, and what I realized as I slammed the door on my Greedy Inner Beast was that I needed to get back to what really matters to me, instead of trying to meet the pre-set ideal of what I Thought I Should Be. This sounds so elementary, the kind of thing an experienced viewer of Oprah and Dr. Phil might come up with, but like so many trite statements, there's a wide ribbon of truth running through it.

What this has meant for me is a conscious letting-go of the original Dream of Family Practice, an acceptance of the pragmatic career choices I've been making lately, and an honest reappraisal of how I want to use my creative energies. For a while, I wasn't sure how this blog would fit into this Brave New World, but now I have a glimmer of an idea. About that, more anon. For now, just know that we are all alive and well, blog included.

Comments

[reesha]

I was about to send in a tiny team with a defibrillator. I thought the blog had flat-lined. Glad to see you back!

[Kim]

So glad to see this post! I've missed your writing, and wondered how you and Noo were doing.

[A Daring Adventure]

Yay!

So glad you posted, and so glad that everything is okay with you and yours.

Yes, I'm sure you're going through something of an identity reorganization. That would make lots of sense. You've been through major upheaval and you need time to acclimate.

Looking forward to seeing how your blog fits in! You are a witty writer and your blog entries are always so entertaining and skillfully written!

[rlbates]

Glad to hear from you!

[Eric Widera]

Glad to have you back! We missed your posts.